I am very confused by my sex life lately mostly because I haven’t wanted any of it but I seem to just allow it to happen. I’ve been single since August and have had about five or six partners. I guess I begin these encounters far from sober, hanging out with friends downtown or wherever the fuck, or sometimes alone. Usually via text message I am invited to come over to a dude’s house whom isn’t really part of my group of friends but I know him somehow, and as my night is winding down I agree to hangout, just to watch movies or go hang out at the overpass, bullshit etc. My friends are going home, I’m bored alone, why not go. I need constant companionship. When we finally meet up, this guy usually has no idea what I’m on, unless I’m drinking in front of him. Things start off innocently enough, just some cuddling or hanging out between swigs of warm beer and a few bathroom breaks to maintain my high. And when I get fucked up, I am the complete opposite of horny. He’ll ask me to kiss him, or I’ll sense that he wants to fuck me by either subtle body language or his fucking boner pressed against my ass as we watch TV, and I think to myself: “is there any way out of this where I won’t have to make this person feel awkward or bummed? If I say no, I’ll probably have to leave, and I’d much rather stay. I can fuck him. That’s fine. It won’t suck I just don’t really feel like it at all.” And then I try to muster up as much libido as I can before initiating the whole thing. I make the first move. I get into it. I fucking perform. There is no way in hell any of those dudes would have a god damn clue that having sex was the last thing on this earth I’d like to be doing right now. And for what reason do I do this? Why do I pull this card all the fucking time? It just makes guys think I have feelings for them. Then it makes it a million times more difficult for me to tell them I want a purely platonic relationship the next time we hang out, and even then they sometimes flirt with me and I end up fucking them again. And kids… I’m sad to say that it’s been this way my whole life. My entire sexual history consists of boys making me feel uncomfortable and me trying to make them as comfortable as possible. I just let them take me because I’m such a pushover. I’m so nice. Sure, there were a few times I did want to. There was a relationship or two that sprouted from that, and those were happy times for me sexually. But I am a (somewhat) mature, adult woman who shouldn’t lie to herself all the fucking time. I don’t know if these problems exist because I’ve only had sex with two people sober (maybe this is all a side effect of addiction?), or if I’m just using this as some sort of self-harm mechanism, or if I’m just a sloppy no-good whore who needs to straighten up. Whatever the case, I am so tired and so worn out from this. I don’t care if this comes off as sad or stupid or funny to you. I just needed to put this out there so that maybe people who have had similar experiences won’t feel so alone.
-hannah bee: TW: unwanted sexual encounters
There’s never been a more frustrating time to be a socially progressive fan of Marvel Comics. Not because its many titles are conservative or hateful — just the opposite, in fact. Marvel’s printed superhero books are more ethnically diverse, feminist, and queer-positive than they’ve ever been. The frustration comes because, even as Marvel’s printed offerings are looking forward, its popular live-action movies and TV shows feel like relics from a lily-white, male-dominated, straights-only past. It’s time for Marvel to push its onscreen output into the 21st century by learning from its own source material.
Marvel’s Diversity Problem — Vulture
Reblogging because a few of my followers have been pointing this out recently.
And DC fans are off in a corner crying :(